A BOTTLE IN SPACE
Chapter one: the briefing
It was a day like any other onboard the El Pollo Diablo…
Quiet and calm. Pilots drinking beer and joking. We were not in a really active system for quite a moment and there were no rebels attacking. We were just passing a great moment in our frigate…
I was in the hangar, perfecting the settings of my Tie Interceptor's targeting computer when I heard Raider's voice on the radio calling all pilots to the briefing room. I jumped out of my Tie and went to the briefing room…
Raider and Qui-Gon Jinn were in front of us and behind them there was a holomap of a sector I didn't know.
I took a seat next to Acidpain and kept my mouth shut.
Raider started talking:
"Attention please, listen well. We just received a mission order from the High Command. On this holomap , you can see the Galdarian system. In this system there's a little moon call Galdarian V. On this moon is located a Rebel frigate called "Thunderstruck," this frigate is hosting a meeting between two Rebel generals. So as you all guessed, this frigate is well defended. Our Frigate is the nearest ship to Galdarian V. We should get reinforcements during the mission.
At this moment I felt weird. I always hated those missions where you had to wait for reinforcements. It's in this type of mission that you lose the most pilots.
"Qui-Gon has your assignments and your mission orders," continued Raider.
Qui-Gon took the mike and started staring at me, I didn't want to hear what he was about to say.
"Ok, Neckbreak, as it will be your first mission as a Flight Leader we're keeping it simple for you and your flight group. Unfortunately as you will have less work, you will have to buy beer for all the squad when we come back."
I felt like poor for life …
"You and your flight group will fly Tie Interceptors and will have as your mission to cover Starke and flight group 2 in their Tie Bombers," said Qui-Gon.
At this moment we heard noise of disorder coming from FG2 seats, I heard a nice :
"Ohhhhhhhhhhh noooooooooooo not TB's…………..".
When it calmed down, Qui-Gon started talking again:
"Basically , it will not be too hard for you as there should only be Z-95's, understand?" he asked me.
"I understand," I answered.
"Ok, now FG 2, your main mission will be to destroy the frigate with your torpedoes. Starke, you'll have rockets for this mission, your mates will have the torpedoes. We had one crate of those in reserve and you are the most experienced pilot of this FG…, if FG3 covers you well , you should not have any problems…," he continued.
"Got it?" he asked.
"Got it," said Starke.
"And finally FG1. You will have an easy mission, too. You will fly Tie Interceptors too but not for the same reason. You will have to stay close to our frigate and shoot any warheads targeting it, and any fighters that get too close. If they survive FG3 and have time to come close before FG2 has destroyed the "Thunderstruck," you'll have to destroy them. Understand? " he asked him as usual.
"I understand," answered Akkon.
I was impressed. This briefing was calm, unlike our last one, where everybody showed up drunk…
Raider took the mike again and said,
"We're going to jump into hypersp
The briefing was over…
CHAPTER 2 : The battle
Raider's voice was again heard in the communicator.
"Get to your ships!!! We're arriving in 10 mins!!"
I ran to my Interceptor and grabbed my Trout Beer bottle which I never fly without. I jumped in my cockpit and fired up the fighter. I used the communicator to make my last recommendations to my FG:
"Keep an eye on your ammo and on each other, everybody comes home.
All pilots report!"
"Phoenix Claw 2 standing by!" That was Acidpain.
"Phoenix Claw 4 standing by!" That was Chaman.
"Phoenix Claw 5 ready to show 'em what we're made of!" That was Trisakti.
"Phoenix Claw 6, what's going on here?" That was Headbreak, of course.
I smiled at these last words, I knew he knew what was up … he felt able to destroy the whole rebellion himself as he said to me before getting in his ship.
"GO GO GO"! shouted Raider on the radio.
His tie defender got out of the hangar followed by Qui-Gon's Tie Advanced.
Then FG1 got out followed by FG2 and finally we got out, me and FG3…
"Format," I said on the radio.
We did a circle around the TBs and started going straight at the frigate.
Strange thing, no fighters were outside the frigate. They were all inside. We had a element of surprise!
The Z-95's we expected got out in total disorder.
And when they got in our cannon range and when we started firing, I saw 3 of them explode.
"I got one," said Raider.
"Me too," said Katarn.
"Hee hee I got the third," said Qui-Gon.
"We still need to be careful FG3, ok? No fantasies, we're following our mission plan," I said.
(Headbreak asked, "What was the plan again???")
All the FG agreed.
FG2 started firing their rockets at the frigate "Thunderstruck" and I saw it blow up…
"That was too easy," said Starke, "those rockets are so powerful."
We started going back to the frigate when we saw that FG1 , following their battle plan, being attacked by the other Z-95s!
"Dang !" I shouted. "FG3 , we must help 'em!"
I was asking myself why I hadn't fired a laser except in the first frontal pass… there was the answer…
I started to chase a Z-95, he was always doing the same type of dodge so it didn't take too much time to get him.
"Hoooooohaaaaaaah!!!" I shouted.
When we finally finished them off, none of us had taken a hit. It was the most outstanding victory I had ever seen.
Suddenly, I saw something on my rear scope, something big, and a few seconds later, many little dots were on the rear scope… I turned back and saw a Calamari Cruiser and X-wings getting out of their hangars…
I asked Raider, "Are reinforcements coming???"
He answered, "No, at the last moment I had a new transmission telling me there will be no reinforcements, I didn't tell anybody to keep morale up."
"Oh oooooooooooh" I said…
I started firing at the X-wings but there were too many of them… we had to get out of there… Raider called for us to go back to the El Pollo Diablo… my radio system was down so I didn't hear him. They all got back and I stayed out… When they were all at home Raider suddenly asked, "Where is Neckbreak?"
And everyone suddenly understood.
Chapter 3 : Alone to die…
When I realized that the Chicken Ferry wasn't there any more, I had already destroyed 5 X-Wings and seriously damaged one. Suddenly, I saw an X coming under me firing wildly. I took a hit on the flight control system. Unfortunately I was in front of Galdarian V. The X's stopped chasing me to watch me crash on the little moon... They thought I wouldn't survive the impact and if I did, there was no life other than animals on the planet. They didn't know that there was also an old Ookaballakonga tribe living there.
When I entered the atmosphere, my scopes said it was breathable. There was water under me, I was going to crash in a swamp. Moments before hitting the water, I grabbed my bottle of Trout Beer , my bag and jumped.
I did a belly flip in the water......
I swam to the edge and got myself out of the water. Suddenly, I saw red eyes flashing in the darkness of the jungle.
"Who's there??" I cried.
The answer was a rousing tribal cry of "HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
I was in a state of shock. I realized the Ookaballakonga lived here.......... the phenomenal tribe of head shrinkers!!! My helmet had an instant translator built into it so I could understand what they were saying and speak in their language.
I heard the first words of the translator........ "Who is that???"
Chapter 4 : The Ookaballakonga tribe
I talked to the Ookaballakonga standing in front of me.
"Ahem, er, I'm a pilot who crashed on this planet and I need help to leave," I said.
"Ook ook iik ook ook ook hah hiiiik," he said
"What ya' doin' here?" translated the helmet.
"I crashed, my ship is under water and I need help to get away from this mudhole."
"Iikaookka iik iik ook oOoOok ack ack ook Ookaballakonga, ookies?" he asked.
"Me gonna giv 'elp to yo' but yo'll haffta be good boy and com' eat wit' us Ookaballakongas, oki?"
"Mmmm yes ok, I'll come eat with you, I guess I will not be able to do anything being that hungry," I answered...
"Ookiiiiii ack ack hoo hoohoohah ack hoo ookahiiiiii yiiiiiiiiipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee," he answered.
"Me is hungry too an' der' is big fiesta in hom' tonight yiiiipeeeeeeeeeeee," said the translator.
He made a gesture with his hand telling me to come with him.
I followed him into the jungle for half an hour. It gave me time to be sure my blaster was still in my bag. I put it in my pocket and deactivated the security... A few minutes later we were in front of a big cave from which you could hear tribal music, tribal cries, and feel the tribal ambiance...
We entered the cave and then entered a little home made in the cave...
"Ook ook iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiik ook ack!" said my fellow.
"Me bring guest," said the translator...
"Ook ook ook haiiiiiiiiiiiiiihoook," said another Ookaballakonga who seemed to be his mother, or father, or brother ... nothing looks more like an Ookaballakonga than another Ookaballakonga...
I felt happy to have been found by an Ookaballakonga who knew what a starfighter was and who knew what a pilot was ...
"What's going on?" I asked my friend that I decided to call Ooka.
"Oookiew kko ack ack oook ack Kolobuto."
"We gonna eat Kolobuto," he said.
I didn't have time to ask him what Kolobuto was, his "mother" came and asked me if I liked Kolobuto.
I answered yes, because to irritate them was the worst thing I could do.
We went to the table that was made of a piece of metal on which was written a big "THUN". I asked the mother where she got it and she answered that this metal piece came from something big that blew up in the sky and it landed at the entrance of the cave. She took it home and made a table with it. I understood that it was a piece of the "Thunderstruck" FG 2, destroyed...
I heard from Ooka that the "sky was not really high". I checked my bag. I had a pressure cooker, this gave me an idea ...
After the dinner which was really good , I went out to drink my bottle of trout beer.
Ooka came to see me and I asked him what Kolobuto was made of... that was the worst thing I ever did...
"Okiiiiiiii ook ack cookedook ook ack ack ooikck," he said.
"Those are carnivo' plant who eat' flies, we lucky those we have plenty of."
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh mmmmmm errrrrrrrrr extra ... burp ... hum errrr, I'm going into the jungle to... to watch the sky and um, I'll be back soon..."
"Ook ook iiiiiiikj" he said.
"OK, be careful" said the translator...
I ran behind a tree and barfed out my soul...
Chapter 5:Where is Neckbreak ?
On board the El Pollo Diablo, Raider was asking
himself, "What should we do??" He kept thinking and decided that the
best they could do for the moment was to go back to the Galdarian system and
check if I was there... He ordered an hypersp
The squad left the hangar and started looking everywhere if I was still alive. There was nothing on their scopes but Raider told them that maybe my transponder was destroyed and that I couldn't show up on their scopes... Starke finally found some Tie Interceptor components... Raider told him to take them back to the El Pollo Diablo with his tractor beam...When all the squad was back at the frigate the components were put on a table and Katarn said that they looked really bad and that I had certainly been killed by an X-Wing pilot...
Raider ordered that those components should be put on the hangar table an that a plaque should go with them... The plaque was to say, "To our dear Neckbreak who died on the battlefield."
No one cried because when you are in war, these are things that happen...
Chapter 6: Get me out of this crap!!!
During the night, I escaped from the
Ookaballakonga tribe when I discovered they wanted to shrink my head... I got back to the pl
Chapter 7 : A fiesta for Delta
KARASU called a briefing for Delta Squadron. And everyone went to the briefing room.
KARASU took the mike and started speaking.
"Ok Delta, our last mission was a total success so Explorer and I decided to give a party."
Noises of happiness could be heard from Delta's seats. When things calmed down, KARASU finished.
"We need to find a hideaway where we won't get caught for making too much noise, we've chosen the Galdarian system. We'll see what planet will be the best for a party. Explorer has your assignments."
"Ok, FG 1, your mission will be to inspect and find a planet in the B3 sector of Galdarian system, ok?"
"OK!", answered Ghosttiger.
"Each pilot will have to take one bit of this sector, Supernova and Wing Gand will take the north,
Noise of approval could be heard from Delta's seats and they all went to their crafts with joy telling themselves it would be a great party.
Chapter 8: A new hope...
When Delta finally arrived at the Galdarian system and got out of their Strike Cruisers the patrol started... Majdoline Moon started her patrol in the west of the system and finally found something interesting... A little planet with nearly nothing on it, Galdarian V. Majdoline was about to call KARASU to tell him about that when something suddenly hit her solar panel. She stopped her motors and turned to see what hit her craft. She saw a pressure cooker... She activated her tractor beam and tracted the pressure cooker to the strike cruiser and asked everybody to come back to see what it was...
When Delta arrived back at the Strike Cruiser,
KARASU gave orders to carefully open the pressure cooker to find out what was
inside it. When the pressure cooker was finally opened using laser beams, a
little paper could be seen inside. It was a green paper with a trout drawn on
it. KARASU took a look at the other side of the paper and he saw a message
written with nearly unreadable handwriting. The message said, "Help! This
is Neckbreak from Phoenix Squadron. I crashed on Galdarian V. I need immediate
help. I'm in danger of getting my head shrunk by the Ookaballakonga tribe living
here. My exact position is just under the pl
KARASU decided to send Majdoline Moon on a search-and-rescue mission because she was the person that found the pressure cooker. She returned to the spot where she found the pressure cooker and went straight to the planet...
When she saw a swamp with damage looking like a Tie-Interceptor next to it, she knew I was there. She saw a little human-like form leaning against a tree, scratching his family jewels like a perfect gentleman. When the human-like form saw the ship, it jumped on its feet and started screaming like a madman at the ship trying to get its attention. Majdoline Moon landed and got out of the ship and went to see what was going on.
"Hey! Moonie, what are you doing here, do you know you are saving my life here? Only 2 bottles left in my survival pack !"
"I know, silly man," answered Moonie, "what happened to you? "
"I'll tell you while you get me to your squad Strike Cruiser I see outside the planet!"
"Ok!" she answered, then we got ourselves out of the mudhole we were in.
Chapter 9: The wrath of a trout
"Woe to you, Oh Earth and Sea,
For the Devil sends the Trout with Wrath,
Because he knows the time is short...
Let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the Trout
For it is a human number, its number is Six Hundred and Sixty Six"
Revelations XIII, 18 (slightly amended...)
When I got into the Strike Cruiser and
explained what happened we called
"You knew I'd be coming back, huh?", I shouted to Raider.
"We thought you were dead, have a look at this plaque: "To Neckbreak who died on the battlefield"...
Suddenly a bell rang and an alarm went off.
"ALL PILOTS TO THEIR SHIPS," shouted Raider.
The Calamari cruiser we got tangled up with
last time was informed of Delta's and
We got out of the Frigate and I saw Delta do the same.
Anger was burning into my blood, I wanted revenge!
"Hey Imp, you're still alive? Well, I'll finish you off now," a rebel pilot said to me.
"Let's see if you can even get behind me, Rebel scum !!!", I shouted with anger!
"HOOOOOOOOHAAAAAAAAH," I hollered.
The rebel was in cannon range and I started firing at him, he did the same, I dodged his shots and he dodged mine... then the 1-on-1 began. The rebel pilot was extremely skilled and he was in a shielded craft.
He was trying to get under me but I suddenly faked going right but instead went upwards. He went right as expected and I started following him. (Any similarities with the film "Top Gun" are purely coincidental......)
I started firing dozens of quad lasers on him but he escaped.
As I continued to follow him, I saw Moonie frying a bandit trying to get behind me...
The hunt was on and I was the hunter ...
The rebel suddenly stopped his craft, I had to avoid a crash but he expected me to go in front of him, but I looped and came back with 33% throttle and started shooting. I saw 4 of my lasers hit him, 3 on the shields and one on the hull.
"Ah ! I'm finally going to wipe you out of history forever!"
I saw his flight control system was damaged and that he was going to crash on Galdarian V!
I stayed near him until he crashed, but I saw him jump out and fall in the swamp. I stopped my Tie above.
"Run, Rebel, I'm giving you 3 seconds head start!"
The reb started running and I started shooting mercilessly.
"AHHHHHHHHHH!" My anger was so strong! I was about to get him!!!
I stopped my ship over him and he stopped running... he was on his knees pleading me to let him live.
I did not listen and started shooting again. He took 4 lasers in his head, leg, arm and stomach. I saw him screaming in pain. I shot again and again until he looked like a spot of blood on the jungle floor. I felt no remorse as I saw the head-shrinker Ookaballakonga coming to eat the roasted guy...
I went back into sp
"Is everyone ok?", I asked while cracking in a smile thinking about the reb.
"12! I got 12 of them!", shouted Moonie.
"4! I got 4!", said Akkon.
"Heehee, I only got 1, the one who shot me down the first time," I said happily even though I still had a burning anger.
Chapter 10 : The return of the trout
I was back on the El Pollo Diablo, sitting in my quarters when someone knocked on the door. I opened and saw Raider.
"Neckbreak, nice to have you back!", he said.
"Nice to be back," I answered.
"Basically, you should have been erased from our pilots list and could not get your FL spot again but as in the admin they're always slow, it 's not already done, if you know what I mean." He smiled at me.
"I understand," I said...
"Ok, now get some new officer's clothing and get to the meeting, a huge party will be given afterwards with Delta and us on Galdarian V, what do you think about that?"
"Well, I think I know the pl
Raider laughed and we got to the meeting together...
THE END !
I first thank Majdoline Moon, also called Moonie for being the first to read my story and helping me to perfect it.
also thank Delta Squadron and
Then I thank all my friends (you know, the ones who came here to see if their name was written somewhere) ... well, as they did not read the story first, I won't thank them, and by the way, they are not my friends anymore... lol
And for all those who felt forgotten, I apologize! You'll have more to do in the next episode! Promise!
Thanks to my father who corrected all my stupid mistakes (and there were tons of them!).
And finally, thanks to the Ookaballakonga tribe for accepting the stupid role they had in this episode.
©NeckbreakPublications, 2003. All rights reserved. Unauthorized reproduction of all or any part of this publication without the express prior written permission of Neckbreak and NeckbreakPublications is strictly prohibited and will be prosecuted by law. (You believe that, you'll believe anything….lol)